I've started a new routine for each new day in this brand new year. I take a little piece of note paper and write on it the date, time, how I slept, my morning blood sugar reading and most importantly, how I FEEL. The trick is not to stop and think, but to go by my gut and the first instinct I get and write it down fast. It helps if I write in pen, not calligraphy (I just woke up, after all), because I'm less likely to erase it and re-think, which can lead to hours of second guessing myself. At night, before bed, I do the same thing and see what happens. I'm on my fourth day and it's amazing how emotional I get when I write down those initial feelings. My guess is that once I write them down I have to feel them. SCARY!
The piece for this entry is a compilation of the feelings I wrote down over the last 3 days. Don't be surprised if the words bleed a little. As I said, writing them down can get me going and wreak havoc on the not yet dry ink.
The goal of this new routine is to recognize that I do have feelings. Sometimes they're easy to accept and absorb, but sometimes they're not easy to face. But face them I must if I want to grow and eventually, learn how to take control of my life, my health, my weight and my identity. This may all seem overdramatic, and believe me, I'm the first to admit that. However, at 50 plus years old I'm learning that there are many things over the years that I have not allowed myself to really feel and accept. Instead I've stuffed these emotions and memories into the great black hole I call my belly, hoping that they would just stay there. But guess what, they do come up as word vomit, uncontrolled outbursts, mini breakdowns and pain, emotional AND physical.
WOW! That's a lot, but then again, I've got a lot of years behind me and hopefully many moons to go and so, so many feelings still floating in and around me.
I think I'll call this the year of exploration of the celestial being I like to call, ME.
Thanks for looking,
Claire
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